The 20-year Year – Part 3

20 years ago, there was a three week period that would change my life in remarkable ways. I graduated from Smith College, a place that taught me how to grow into my authentic self, and I got married, the first decision on a tree that has informed every choice since. Every big anniversary of that time in 1995 makes me thoughtful. Ok, more thoughtful even than usual. How have I grown in those years? I am living up to my promise? Do I bring enough joy to the world to offset the inevitable pain? How am I contributing as a woman, as a wife, as a mother? If I could talk to that woman of 22, what would she think of her 42-year old self? Would she be satisfied or disappointed?

Part 3 – Lucky in love

In the summer of 1993, I came home from college certain that I was done with men. Not forever, but for awhile. My plan was simple: play pool with my best friend, read great literature and help my parents renovate and move into my great-grandparents’ home. There really wasn’t time for men, anyway.

And then I walked into my aunt’s office and met the man who I would marry two years later. Another carefully laid plan blown to bits.

This isn’t a origin story, but suffice it to say that it was not the most likely outcome. I rarely saw my aunt at her place of work and had only popped in because I needed to waste a half hour and didn’t have cash for a Coke. He never worked in the office and was only there fixing a computer issue. Without my aunt, both of us would have walked away from our first meeting embarrassed and never even considered that the other person might be interested. A lot of nested ‘if then’ statements had to have the right result to make us happen. And when I’m feeling thoughtful, I line them up and feel very lucky indeed.

Yes, lucky. I believe that finding a life partner and staying happily together is not just a game of skill, a lot of it is luck. I read a study from CDC/NCHS that states that a white woman, like me, has a 54% probability of a first marriage staying intact for 20 years. That means that for other women like me who got married in 1995, nearly half are no longer in those relationships. Were they less capable of being in a successful relationship? Did they fail in some way, while I was successful? 

No, I don’t think so.

I say that because I know many women who are divorced. They are strong, wonderful, beautiful and talented women. They could have been me and I could have been them. They all have a story and no two are the same.

I got lucky finding someone uniquely compatible with my values and my life goals. Someone who was capable of letting me reach my potential and of not being threatened by it. Someone who knows how to listen, and how to speak, with respect and compassion. Someone who, like me, makes mistakes but doesn’t shy away from admitting them, learning from them and getting stronger. And, even though I couldn’t have articulated any of that at 22, I jumped in anyway. I made a big bet and it looks like I might have won.

I think my younger self would be appreciative of the relationship I have now, but I’m not sure she would really understand the combination of effort and advantage it took to get here. I thought I knew what I was stepping into then, but of course I had no idea. That’s how it is with big bets, if you knew the real odds you might never gamble. Thank god I was oblivious.

Recently, my guy was catching up with these posts, binge reading. It was late at night and we were both tired. I told him that he could stop — he could read the rest of the posts tomorrow.

He smiled, “For me, there’s no such thing as too much Mel.”

Lucky me.

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