My blog stats for this week aren’t good. I haven’t been making it a priority to write, and what I’ve put out there recently hasn’t gotten a lot of traction. On top of that, my work output has been feeling more like errors and pop flies than home runs, to use a metaphor fitting for this time of year. It has combined to leave me wallowing, just a bit.
And, I hate to wallow.
Most people who know me use words like high-energy, positive and persistent to describe me. So, wallowing is the very worst feeling. A good friend of mine once described it as having a “low elevator day”. I like that, because it recognizes that everyone has ups and downs — we all ride an elevator. For me, my elevator is highly influenced by how much value I bring to the world and as an extravert how much energy I get from others. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve tried to be my own external voice — my own cheerleader.
So, today I was thinking that it would be helpful to remember that I matter. Regardless of the excel files I send (or don’t send) or the errands I complete (or forget) or the times I pick up (or ignore) the phone. I matter. And, I wrote myself a mantra for when I forget that.
You matter. You matter not because of what you do but because of your inherent personhood. When you feel that you could disappear *poof* and that nothing would change know that is just the fear talking. Ignore it. And if it won’t politely go away get in its face and tell it to ‘talk to the hand’ or ‘pound sand’ or ‘get lost’ or ‘f-off’ because it is not welcome. You matter because you woke up this morning and you took a deep breath and you chose to take up space. You matter because you are matter, just like the biggest things and smallest things in the universe. You matter…you matter.
I’m lucky. For me, reminders and a good night’s sleep have been enough to bring me out of a funk. And if not — and even though I shouldn’t need it — I have a strong fan club of people who love me and value me and aren’t beyond pressing my up button when they see me down. They may wonder why I need it, but they press it anyway.
Unfortunately, I know personally what it feels like when someone you love can’t get back up. It’s for that reason that I don’t make light of depression or mental illness — and it’s why I would never in a million years pretend that my wallowing is anything more than a day with too many tasks, not enough time and not enough sleep. Because I’m lucky enough to have a voice in my head that says, “You matter.”
And, because I believe her.