Month: September 2015

On my Friday drive into work I was contemplative. So many things were running around in the gray matter between my ears that I popped on a podcast. Let someone else have the thought leadership, I reasoned.

I picked the second part of the Ted Radio series on the impacts digital technology (Screen Time – Part 2). And as I listened, this segment was nuzzled toward the end.

http://www.npr.org/player/embed/440305511/441174851

I’ll pause a moment so you can listen…

Have you listened? Ok, good.

Now, I have given a lot of thought to the archival value of Facebook and this blog to me. I’ve even considered how a record of me might help me stay connected with my contemporary family. But never once did my brain swell enough to consider that my grandchildren — nay, my great grandchildren — will be able to use this to see who I was.

Think about that for a minute.

One of the hardest things to do is wrap your head around the fact that the elderly people in your life were once just like you. That they struggled with math tests or dated someone inappropriate or were the parent who didn’t know the first thing about anything. And yet, when you meet them, they are already fully baked (in your eyes at least) with all of the answers.

I was lucky, because my grandfather is a storyteller. There isn’t a visit that goes by that doesn’t include a story. And many of the stories have  been about his childhood. Later in life, after my grandmother passed away he even wrote it down in a book. I have treasured the stories and the book as a way to understand him and our connections.

But, in someone’s digital archive you have not only the stories but the connections of stories. I can think of my kids telling their kids’ kids that I was the oldest of three kids, and then showing them the posts between me and my brothers. Or that I was really close to my mom, her nana, and showing them those posts. Or talking about how they were both in my cousin’s wedding when they were little and pulling up pictures. I didn’t get that with my grandfather.

And when some little kid asks, “But what was she really like?” they can read for themselves. They can form their own opinion based on the primary evidence. They can see from what I put online, how people responded and how I responded back. They will know me not from my stories years later or from the stories that are passed on generation by generation. They will know me from the way I told the story at the time it formed.

Now that my mind is open to the possibility that what I write is not just for today but for generations to come, I’m not sure what will change. But the idea that one of my descendants might read this someday — might meet me virtually across the years — gives me pause. It reminds me that we are all part of a cosmic pattern and that even if I feel ineffective or unworthy or insignificant someday in the distant future I will be history. No, I will be someone’s history.

How cool is that?

In my mind, faith is different than religion. Faith is a personal tenant, the belief in something even when evidence or logic or data can’t give you support. Religion is a group tenant, the shared rules and structures that people use to practice a system of faith.

Here’s the truth: I’ve never been particularly good at either one.

I am sure that statement will surprise some people. It may hurt or worry others. Some may even be angry. It isn’t easy for me to acknowledge because in our culture, like most cultures, being a good person is associated with being good at having faith or practicing a religion. In fact, last night on the Tonight Show, Carly Fiorina took the moment to define why faith is good:

“I actually believe that people of faith make better leaders,” she said. “Whether they are Christians, as I am — my faith has sustained me through some very bad times. I’ve battled cancer, I’ve lost a child, I’ve been tested. But whether it’s a person of Christian faith or Jewish faith or Muslim faith or other faiths, I think faith gives us humility, and empathy and optimism. And I think those are important things.”

I agree with her that humility, empathy and optimism are important things. I think they are characteristics that make both a good person and a good leader. The problem is this: how do I respond to people that, like Ms. Fiorina, believe that because I have neither faith nor religion that I am less good? Or even worse, bad?

I rarely offer up my religious opinions because I learned early on that living without the protection of an organized faith is lonely. I’ve grew up in a Lutheran family and learned all of the words and motions. I can attend nearly any Christian service and sit, stand and speak at the right times. I can go through the motions. And I have done so, mostly to show respect for the people that I love.

Unfortunately, there came a time in my life when it felt hypocritical to do that — to attend and go through the motions. There were too many times that I said the words while my heart asked, “Are you sure you want to say that? Do you believe that? Doesn’t it insult everyone else if you fake it?” 

And that was when I stopped attending. When I realized that being authentic was more respectful than being present.

That isn’t to say that I am against either faith or religion. I respect and admire the many people I know who channel their faith into good works or use their faith to persevere through life’s difficult times. I appreciate and support the many religious organizations that provide important social services to their communities and give individuals a way to connect. Like many things in life I don’t understand, I am thankful for the fact that religion is there for the people I know who place immense value in it.

Until now, I have confided in a very small group of people: family, close friends, people who have a very long history of knowing me and the person that I am. Among them are a subset of people who I would describe as devout — people whose faith is part of who they are at their core and whose religious community is an active and important part of their lives. In most cases, the conversation started not by me opening up, but by their sincere willingness to share their experience and point of view. They listened to my questions with interest and curiousity, but not judgment.

I recognize that it is only from a position of privilege that I can worry about this. That while I would never be electable for high public office if I were honest about it, my lack of faith has not held me back. And maybe it is silly to worry now, typing this line, whether readers will look at me differently tomorrow. So, instead I will be optimistic and believe that people will continue to judge me by my actions. I will be humble and know that once I put myself out there that I cannot control how people react. I will be empathetic and know that however people react it is a true reflection of who they are and that their feelings are legitimate.

I will hope that, in their eyes, I am still capable of being a good person and a good leader.

On the drive into work yesterday, I listened to the Ted Radio Hour podcast, an episode called Screen Time – Part I. The podcast explores how screens have changed our life to date and tries to answer the question: What’s next? One of the coolest things I heard was about virtual reality movies — I tried it out myself tonight via Vrse, an app that lets you take control of the movie point of view. It’s pretty neat.

As I listened to the dialogue on screens, though, it got me thinking about my own screen existence, the Mel who exists not in three dimensions in Illinois, but in two dimensions anywhere in the world there is a device connected to the Internet.

I entered social media in April 2007 for a silly reason. I had lost the contact information for my youngest brother and I suspected he was on Facebook. I worked at a university at that time so I had the necessary .edu email address to sign-up. So, I did it. I found him, connected and confirmed all was well. I never really intended to be a social pioneer.

But, once online I found I enjoyed the opportunity to connect with people in new ways. Like the more than 1 billion other people who have accounts on Facebook, I found that the ability to share my life and experiences with people I cared about was fulfilling. In the beginning, my posts were pretty lame. Because the Facebook prompt started with your name, some of my finest examples were:

• is catching up on desk work after being gone yesterday.
• is cleaning up from a rocking audit party.
• is writing an audit report, aren’t you glad it’s not yours?
• is enjoying the weekend surrounded by family…it’s all good.
• spent last night up with the stomach flu. Miserable. But at least it was the night of 12/25 and not 12/24. Little miracles, for which I am thankful.

Exciting, thought-provoking and interesting…not so much. Honestly, it’s a testament to the human need to be connected that the platform (and my friend group) survived such enlightenment. Maybe it was just the pictures of the kids.

From my history, it looks like sometime in late 2010 or early 2011 Facebook changed their prompt to the current ‘what’s on your mind.’ My posts started to get more interesting, because talking about me (and what I am doing) is significantly different than asking what is on my mind.

What isn’t on my mind?

My grandfather once asked me why I bother with this new fangled thing. We were talking about some news story where someone posted something inappropriate or got caught in a lie or something. He felt it was a stupid risk to take. What’s the point?

I remember the conversation because it brought to life my entire philosophy for sharing online. I am a natural sharer and I’ve built most of my relationships by being the first person to put something out there. It’s just who I am. But, I have created some guardrails for myself — things that have helped me build (and not break) connections.

I avoid sharing on polarizing topics, especially early in relationships. I avoid sharing opinions without sharing the story that got me there. I avoid sharing personal stories, even important ones, when I know they could trigger very painful feelings for someone else. My ‘watch out’ areas in real-life are all places where I have had a painful experience hurting someone or pushing someone away. Unintentionally.

So when I was having that conversation with my grandfather, what I said was simple:

There isn’t any more risk online. My brand and the way I am there is exactly the same as it is in real life. If I wouldn’t share it in person, I don’t put it online. If I would share it in person, I put it online. Periodically, I scroll through my own wall and I check: is this me? If someone saw this would they see me? If it is, great. If it isn’t, I calibrate. There’s no more risk to me being on Facebook than getting up in the morning and walking around and living. I stand by who I am.

For me, that is the big risk in the digital space. If you want to be someone other than your authentic self, you will have a hard time keeping your selves aligned. If you say something intentionally hurtful or unintentionally insensitive, it’s not just your buddy over a beer — now the audience is anyone and anytime. If you care about building relationships, thoughtful authenticity is the only real way to handle life in a digital age.

And, trolls had best be prepared to live under a metaphorical bridge.